I had originally planned to wait to post this until September 10th which is Suicide Awareness Day, but sometimes waiting just one day can make a big difference in someone's life.
So, September is Suicide Prevention Month. I have gone back and forth whether to share my personal story. A simple reply to one of my story posts encouraged me to do so, if nothing more than to let those struggling know they aren't alone.
I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts pretty much my whole life. When I was 15, I was going through a rough time and it seemed nothing I did was ever good enough for anyone. I honestly can't remember what set me off, but I took a whole bottle of pills and hoped I didn't wake up. I did. It was the only time I attempted suicide, but it's not the only time I have seriously thought about it.
Several events in my life have led me to contemplate suicide. Sexual assault, domestic abuse, major surgery, feelings of failure as a parent. My life has been a series of ups and downs with each down pushing me towards that line where I contemplated my own death. At times I have felt that death was much more preferable to misery I was living.
After my daughter was born, doctors put me on anti-depressants thinking it would help with these recurring thoughts. It did, for a while.
In 2011 I had major back surgery. During the early weeks of recovery I physically couldn't do anything. I felt like a burden to everyone and started having feelings that they would be better off without me. Then I sat and thought about it. What kind of life would my kids (then 2 and 6) have if I wasn't around? I called the doctor and we increased my meds.
Just last August, I was driving home from one of my daughter's many doctor's appointments and I just came apart. Those feelings of inadequacy came crashing down. I felt like I was a failure as a parent, a wife, a writer, a person. My kids deserved a better mother, my husband deserved a better life. Once again, I thought about what their lives would actually be like if I were to die. I dialed the doctor and told her I need help. I've had to adjust medication several time since, but still I struggled.
A little over a month ago, I went back to my doctor and told her that I was still struggling. Nothing seemed to help. I am always exhausted, and no matter what I do, I feel like it's not enough. It's never enough.
Due to this and other symptoms, my doctor ordered full blood work including tests that had never been ran before. I will admit, when she called and said that I had high antibodies for Hashimoto's Disease, which can cause depression, I did feel a sense of relief. I've probably had it for years and while it isn't the cause of my depression, it's probably been making my depression worse. At least now, we can try to get me to a place where I don't feel like I am treading water in the ocean, just barely keeping my head above the surface.
My point is that sometimes we have these thoughts and we don't know why.
Sometimes events happen that make us believe that people would be better off without us.
They wouldn't.
It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, there are people in your life that care very much for you.
Your life matters.
YOU matter.
No matter how hard life gets, how low you feel, there is hope.
If you ever find yourself in that dark place, please reach out to someone, anyone.
Get help.
Don't write your ending.
🎗Suicide Prevention Hotlines🎗
🎗Algeria: 0021 3983 2000 58
🎗Argentina: 4758 2554
🎗Armenia: (2) 538194
🎗Australia: 13 11 14
🎗Austria: 017133374
🎗Azerbaijan: 510 66 36
🎗The Bahamas: 322 2763
🎗Bangladesh: 999
🎗Barbados: (246) 4299999
🎗Belarus: 801 100 1611
🎗Belgium: 106
🎗Bolivia: 75288084
🎗Bosnia: 080 05 03 05
🎗Botswana: 3911270
🎗Brazil: 212339191
🎗Brunei: 145
🎗Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223
🎗Canada: 1 866 277 3553
🎗China: 800 810 1117
🎗Croatia: 014833888
🎗Cyprus: 8000 7773
🎗Czech Republic: 112
🎗Denmark: 4570201201
🎗Egypt: 7621602
🎗Estonia: 655 8088
🎗Fiji: 132454
🎗Finland: 010 195 202
🎗France: 0145394000
🎗Germany: 08001810771
🎗Ghana: 2332 444 71279
🎗Greece: 1018
🎗Guyana: 223 0001
🎗Holland: 09000767
🎗Hong Kong: 852 2382 0000
🎗Hungary: 116123
🎗Iceland: 1717
🎗India: 8888817666
🎗Indonesia: 150 0454
🎗Iran: 1480
🎗Ireland: 1850 60 90 90
🎗Israel: 1201
🎗Italy: 800860022
🎗Japan: 810352869090 🎗Jordan: 110
🎗Latvia: +371 67222922
🎗Lebanon: 1564
🎗Liberia: 6534308
🎗Luxembourg: +352 45 45 45
🎗Malaysia: 03 79568144
🎗Malta: 179
🎗Mauritius: 800 93 93
🎗Mexico: 5255102550
🎗New Zealand: 045861048
🎗Norway: 4781533300
🎗Philippines: 028969191
🎗Poland: 89 19288
🎗Portugal: 225 50 60 70
🎗Romania: 0800 801 200
🎗Russia: 0078202577577
🎗Serbia: 21 6623 393
🎗Singapore: 6389 2222
🎗Slovakia: 949 760 570
🎗Slovenia: 116 123
🎗South Africa: 0514445691
🎗South Korea: (2) 715 8600
🎗Spain: 717 003 717
🎗Sri Lanka: 011 057 2222662
🎗St Vincent: (784) 456 1044
🎗Sudan: (249) 11 555 253
🎗Sweden: 46317112400
🎗Switzerland: 112
🎗Taiwan: 1995
🎗Thailand: (02) 713 6793
🎗Tonga: 23000
🎗Trinidad and Tobago: (868) 645 2800
🎗United Kingdom: 116 123
🎗USA: 1 800 273 8255
If you know any other suicide hotline numbers, please let me know.
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